We need to rekindle our bromance
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
