I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
