??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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