The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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