Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
And then my night got REAL pukey
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
