I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
