i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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