Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
