um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
