I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
