I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
