There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
