just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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