Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
