I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
