Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
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