About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Randomize
