She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
