Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
