I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
