ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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