What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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