Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
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