i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
tell me about the fingering
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