Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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