I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
