And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
