I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
