a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
You can't special order awesome
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
