I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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