Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
