If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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