I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
