Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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