You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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