Dude my mom stole all your condoms
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
