You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
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