im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
