I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
