Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Randomize
