i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
