Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
