Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
