I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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