He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
my nose is crying tears of wow.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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