Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Randomize