It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
