also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
The best revenge is premature balding
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
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