ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
