All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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