a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
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