i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
My liver just had a heart attack.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
It's no shave November. This is our time.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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