Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
