I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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