I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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