There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
