A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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