Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
