Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
