I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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