you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
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