I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
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