I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
